Sis Thomas Thanksgiving Advice: Rules for Attending My Home for Thanksgiving Dinner
Thank you for coming to my house for Thanksgiving. Please follow these instructions to the letter or catch my elbow to your lips. Ask Bro. Wilson why his lips are still stuck on swollen 20yrs later. Test my hypotenuse if you want to.
1. Dinner starts at exactly 4pm. Act like you have Color People Time on your cheap ass cell phone and watch you be hungry cause I locks the door at 4:01pm.
2. If you are wearing a weave, lace front, toupee, tracks, yaki, Remi, Big Lots Jheri Curl or anything synthetic and that mess falls into the food, it will some bald headed bitches eating outside on the porch.
3. If you don’t want me to beat you and your bad ass kids I highly recommend you keep them medicated or in jail. They act up in my house and they will get a windmill slap up the backside of their block head. And you will get a beat down for not practicing safe sex and giving birth to demons.
4. All the TVs in my house are controlled by me. If you want to watch the game go to your house. I’m watching what I want to watch.
5. There will be no napping after you eat. If I catch you getting drowsy you either get a cold bucket of water thrown on you or a hot pan of bacon grease. Depends on what I pick up first.
6. I cooked everything, and if you fix your lips to ask who cooked what you will be tasting knuckles.
7. I wish a bitch would take my good Tupperware.
8. If you want me to act a fool, bring your retarded kid up in here and tell them to fix their own plate. I will put you both on the short yellow bus to Grady’s padded room.
9. This is the last time I’m gonna tell you Bernice, if you take out your teeth at the dinner table to gum the corn on the cob you will wake up in the hospital with them dentures stuck in your throat.
10. I know every family member from brother, sister, uncle, aunt, cousin, husband, wife, illegitimate child to drug addict. If you invite someone that you didn’t clear through me, Thanksgiving will be the day you have no family and you will be hungry.
11. This year Pastor is coming by with his wife for dinner. I really didn’t want to invite them but he overheard me talking to Bernice and invited himself. If he wasn’t a Man of God I would’ve cursed him out. He WILL NOT be giving the prayer. Last time he prayed over a dinner at a banquet it was time to eat breakfast.
All rules are subject to change, reinforcement, or whatever the situation calls for. I want you all to enjoy yourself, but exactly at 9pm the show is over. You don’t have to go home but you got the get the hell up out my house.
Love Always
Sis Thomas
1. Dinner starts at exactly 4pm. Act like you have Color People Time on your cheap ass cell phone and watch you be hungry cause I locks the door at 4:01pm.
2. If you are wearing a weave, lace front, toupee, tracks, yaki, Remi, Big Lots Jheri Curl or anything synthetic and that mess falls into the food, it will some bald headed bitches eating outside on the porch.
3. If you don’t want me to beat you and your bad ass kids I highly recommend you keep them medicated or in jail. They act up in my house and they will get a windmill slap up the backside of their block head. And you will get a beat down for not practicing safe sex and giving birth to demons.
4. All the TVs in my house are controlled by me. If you want to watch the game go to your house. I’m watching what I want to watch.
5. There will be no napping after you eat. If I catch you getting drowsy you either get a cold bucket of water thrown on you or a hot pan of bacon grease. Depends on what I pick up first.
6. I cooked everything, and if you fix your lips to ask who cooked what you will be tasting knuckles.
7. I wish a bitch would take my good Tupperware.
8. If you want me to act a fool, bring your retarded kid up in here and tell them to fix their own plate. I will put you both on the short yellow bus to Grady’s padded room.
9. This is the last time I’m gonna tell you Bernice, if you take out your teeth at the dinner table to gum the corn on the cob you will wake up in the hospital with them dentures stuck in your throat.
10. I know every family member from brother, sister, uncle, aunt, cousin, husband, wife, illegitimate child to drug addict. If you invite someone that you didn’t clear through me, Thanksgiving will be the day you have no family and you will be hungry.
11. This year Pastor is coming by with his wife for dinner. I really didn’t want to invite them but he overheard me talking to Bernice and invited himself. If he wasn’t a Man of God I would’ve cursed him out. He WILL NOT be giving the prayer. Last time he prayed over a dinner at a banquet it was time to eat breakfast.
All rules are subject to change, reinforcement, or whatever the situation calls for. I want you all to enjoy yourself, but exactly at 9pm the show is over. You don’t have to go home but you got the get the hell up out my house.
Love Always
Sis Thomas
